I do believe that the happy, free spirited Laura has returned.  I just went the last week turning off the cell phone at times, and going without the extra noise and electronics, so I could better hear from God.  That means no facebook, no radio, no tv.  I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but it was amazing!  I heard a whole lot.  I am refocused on God and the things he wants me to see.  And my car radio is still off.  I'm not ready to turn it back on yet.  Every morning I woke, eager to see what God had for me, and those early morning conversations were quite productive. 

Today, I left my house at 7am to go to court.  I had never been to a court house in my life, and boy was it different than on tv!  It was traffic and misdemeanor court.  I got a citation for having an expired license plate.  My dad owns the car I drive and we were going to arrange for me to pay for it, though it is in his name.  But we had totally forgotten about it, at least I did until I noticed a cop turn behind me a few weeks ago.  Grr!  So the nice officer recommended that I pay for my plate and show up at court and they might wave the ticket fee.

I had other things on my mind as I was driving to the court house this morning.  An almost constant dialog has gone on between me and God for the last week.  I have a lot of questions still, but mostly, I have peace.  And I do realize that when I have some doubt and confusion, the enemy is trying to steal my joy.  And no way am I going to let him have it!  The longer I am alone with my thoughts the more they get confused.  And I know what I want.  I have been praying that God would give me his heart.  I believe what I hope for is what he wants for me.  Stepping back for the last week and focusing on hearing from God has been a great journey.

So as I was driving to downtown South Bend, to a courthouse that I only had a vague idea of its location, (though I had my mapquest directions) my mind was on God and my heart was filled with joy.  Some defining things are about to happen.  I am on the threshold of a new life.  A new chapter is about to begin. 

Today was a day of firsts.  I was up early and I drove to a place I had never been before.  I had to find the right parking garage and the right building.  I was a little nervous, not having a clue what to expect, but it was not so bad.  I had to find the right door and the right room and figure it out as I went.  They offer so little information!  As I went to check in, there was a women with a surgical mask on her face and she was being  most uncooperative with the lady who was checking us all in.  The masked women was on her cell phone, and would not get off or leave.  She had a boy with her that had a mask on too.  The women checking us in looked tired and apologized for the scene I had just witnessed.  I then went to a large old court room with very old ornate wood carvings covering every window.  It had a huge chandelier in the center.   I wondered how it must have looked when it was first built.  I wonder how long ago that was.  It was in a time when quality and beauty was the mark of the craftsman.  I very much appreciated the design and wondered why we don't build like that anymore. 

So as I was sitting in this court room for about an hour and a half, people were coming and going.  The women with the mask kept causing problems and eventually was called up to the judge.  I overheard him ask why she would show up to court if she had sw*ne flu.  That's great I though.  She left after that and did not return. 

The attorneys were all calling people up, as well as the judge.  There were many people on his team.  They were just people, though.  No one was amazingly beautiful or eye catching.  They were not dressed like people are dressed in court rooms on tv.  Some of the people sitting around me were in sweat pants.  I guess attire did not matter in this room, but it says so much about a person.  I tried to keep my preconceived notions at bay and think like an ethnographer.  Everyone in that room was just a person with a job to do.  Most of the ones sitting with me looked like they had had a rough life.  Socioeconomically ether middle or working class.  I guess that makes sense, because if you were given a ticket and money is not an issue, it is just easier to pay it then deal with showing up in court.  Though some were there for other reasons. 

But this was an adventure.  And by the time my name was called, I was ready.  I walked up to a man who must have been an attorney.  He was kind and I showed him my registration and said that I forgot my plate had expired and took care of it as soon as I got home, following the ticket.  He looked at it and told me for appearing in in court to take care of it, there was no charge.  So now it is all resolved. :) 

I walked out of that building and thought about how little I wonder into South Bend.  The one way streets and the "bad" parts have never made me interested.  But now I think I want to go exploring!  And the best part about my day (so far) is that it was around 9 am as I got to my car.  I am up and going with the whole day left.  It's going to be quite a productive one! 

Blessings!
Laura

Amazing peace is found in the middle of God's will.  I have it.  I want to keep it.  I hope I can find out how.

I think of my life and all the living I have left to do.  How many years is not the concern.  How I will fill them is.  And yet all I really have is today.  I have fond the peace God grants his children when they are in his will.  It is so much greater than words could ever express.  I want it to stay.  How do I keep it, I wonder.  It's not about having answers.  I have so many questions right now, but they no longer haunt me.  I believe as long as I am alive, I will have questions.  But my heart is calm.  The only direction I long for is granted through complete surrender. 

A death of everything desired can change a life.  Have I given up my most precious dream, I wonder.  But these thoughts do not linger, for I know that if God does take away all my dreams, he will give me something better.  What do we really hold anyway?  Can you think of one thing he does not own?  And if he loves us so much more than we could even imagine, is it not better to surrender all our trust to him and stop fighting against ourselves?

Life is precious and way too short.  Years fly, leaving us to wonder where time has gone.  Children grow up in a blink of an eye.  It really is long days and fast years.  Everything changes.  Life is filled with seasons. 

I have been so blessed to help a dear friend through a hard time.  Right now it is my turn to be there.  God knows how much my friend has helped me.  As we are walking this road together, it is growing and shaping both of us.  And I believe God is getting us both ready for the next great thing.  I realize this is what life is all about.  This is the way God wanted his children to do life together.  We are meant to walk together.  Two are much stronger than one.  Two people can do so much more than one.  And when the two of us pray, I know God is with us.  And he speaks through us to each other.  I am so thankful for the beautiful thing God has done in blessing me with such a friend.

I love this peace.  I want it to last.  But I am looking forward with great excitement and anticipation, for the thing God is going to do next.  These growing pains have got to produce something new and beautiful.  I can not wait to see what God is going to do next. 

Blessings!
Laura

I really like Relient K, even though I am told I am too old to be a fan.  I'm pretty sure I'm younger than all of the band members.  The songs often speak to me.  I have not listened to my pop and punk music in a long time, but the last few days, I pulled out my cd's in my car and cranked it.  I put in MMHMM and forgot how much I liked that cd.  I also listened to Aphetic EP and enjoyed the acoustic versions of the songs.  I thought of a certain someone who claims not to be a fan, but would probably enjoy this cd.  Almost every song spoke to me.  Strange how that happens.

"Apathetic Way To Be"

Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned
Emotional attachment is really not a threat
When I'm simply not concerned

The things that I take on
I soon shrug off
'cause I know no one
Will ever be content
With the way things are
Or with what they've got
So I've given up and now I'm just indifferent

You all laugh at me
Like I'm not happy
With anything, any time, anywhere
And the half of me's all about apathy
And the other half just doesn't care

I must admit;
All the words you spoke, I hated
Cause I don't see just how I can be motivated
Enough to break a sweat over a dying race
It seems our fate is something we've already embraced


Yeah, bein' apathetic's a pathetic way to be
(I don't care)
What matters to you does not matter to me
('cause I don't care)

So take a wild guess
It's like I just couldn't care less
If all the things you find impressive
Just blew up and made those messes
That you'll frantically repair
Like it's a life or death affair
And all the while you're unaware
For this, you really shouldn't care
But it's so hard to see the reality
That the end will be the end of things
And our hearts are all we get to bring
So let's go ahead and make them worth something

I'm well aware that everything
Is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
Can at times, be too uptight
And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me

I'm not that apathetic, and I do care, most of the time.  But I see my go with the flow attitude is not the best in every situation.  Sometimes you need to make waves.  Sometimes, I need to care and fight, especially when it's hard and the pain is almost too great to go on.  That's when it counts the most.  That's when God's arms have never looked so comforting.  And he wants to take it and heal us, if only we will let it go.  But we still hold tight to our pain.  In the end, we are the ones who are hurt the most. 
 
Before I drove off with Relient K cranked this morning, I picked up My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.  It's my mom's book, but I thought it may be a good devotional.  I put it on my bookshelf over a month ago, and for some reason, decided to flip through it this morning after I read my bible.  The insight for July 30 went right along with Relient K's Apathetic Way To Be,  minus the in your face, punky tune.

Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions. However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others. But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism. Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly.

Refusing to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering of human life. And this is how that suffering happens— if we love someone, but do not love God, we demand total perfection and righteousness from that person, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; yet we are demanding of a human being something which he or she cannot possibly give. There is only one Being who can completely satisfy to the absolute depth of the hurting human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Our Lord is so obviously uncompromising with regard to every human relationship because He knows that every relationship that is not based on faithfulness to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone.

My Utmost For His Highest can be found online at : http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php

If I were more like Jesus, I think life would be better.  But I realize I'm a work in progress.  And I have such a long way to go to be like Jesus.  In the last few months I have grown a thirst for studying more of God's word and a passion for reading.  I have a stack of books, and so little time at the moment.  But I'm squeezing it in when I can.  God is doing some very new and different things in me, and it's pretty exciting. 

And I'm sold on this book.  It was originally published the 1930's!  It must be pretty good to still be in print.   I'm going to be using it for the next 354 days!

Blessings!
Laura